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life impaired

"The Trapeze Swinger"

1/28/2014

1 Comment

 
This blog post will only have one side for now, because one of the uglier parts of addiction is the relapse.   And right now, Jeff is relapsing.  For anyone who reads our words that may not have as intimate an experience with alcoholism daily, it may be shocking to think of Jeff relapsing because of the simple fact that Jeff writes a blog and puts so much effort into recovery.   You want to cheer him on because he's the underdog, and he's trying so hard, and we watch so many movies that tell us that those two things, coupled together, make for a happy ending.  But, for those with a working knowledge of living with a person in recovery, this may not be shocking at all.  

Relapse, unfortunately, is sometimes an inevitable part of recovery.  An inevitable part, and one that never gets any easier for the person who loves the alcoholic to witness and bear.  And it's even harder for a person who is new to recovery, because it may happen more frequently.  As the supporter, you may feel like it's never going to get any better.  You might be frustrated, angry, and feel abandoned, let down, and alone.  Just remember, you aren't alone and you didn't cause this.  This is just a part of the territory, so you have to figure out at what point the relapse behavior crosses your boundaries, which is a whollleee 'nother topic for a whollleee 'nother post.

Jeff's relapses can occur for a number of reason.  The hardest part is remembering that one of those reasons is not because of me.  No matter what I say or do, Jeff is the one who plans, schemes, and initiates his drinking.  From my perspective, his relapses can be tied to multiple "triggers."  I hate to use the word trigger, because ultimately, anything could be a trigger.  Ultimately, an alcoholic, to me,  is someone who actively looks for their next excuse to drink, when really, the bottom line is that an alcoholic drinks because of their disease.  But the disease tricks an alcoholic into drinking, and this is what I have witnessed Jeff get caught up by:

1) The strong desire to be normal.  New Year's Eve - not even one month ago.  I made the mistake of saying it would be okay to have some alcohol in our house.  Before you crucify me, know this - Even though as I mentioned above, Jeff is responsible for Jeff's drinking, I realize now that this was a really terrible decision.  Whatever his sickness, my job as a partner in supporting a sick husband is to make sure I enable a safe environment for him to recover in.  But guess what?  I also have a strong desire to be normal that sometimes impacts my decision-making, too.  Regardless, I was hoping just this one night, we might be able to have a break from the rigors of every day life.  Not the case and I will never make that mistake again.  Jeff sneakily drank most all of my nephew's vodka behind his back, tried to steal a bottle of champagne that I had purchased for our guests, and ended up passed out at 10:30 pm.  I ended up crying in a snowy field by myself.    When I asked him the next day what his thought process was, he said, "I had been doing so well.  Everyone was having fun.  I just wished I could be normal."  

2) The really hard task of setting a new pattern.  Think of a new year's resolution.  How long does that last?  Could you stop being too lazy to go to the gym, give up eating refined sugar, be kinder, quit drinking soda, or cold turkey whatever your idea of a vice might be, if your life depended on it?  What about your happiness?  We're all bound to slip.  Six days of seven you might not eat that chocolate, but you eat it on the seventh, you forgive yourself on the eighth, and by the ninth, you try to move forward saying you'll do better next time.  Obviously, alcoholism is way more serious than a simple guilty pleasure, but because of that, it is an even more difficult pattern to break.  Some alcoholics seem to have rituals and excuses they have been developing for years.  That isn't something that can change over night.

3) The pressure.  "Things are going well!"  "I'm doing such a great job!"  You wouldn't think these two phrases would trigger a relapse in an alcoholic, but sometimes the pressure to keep up the good work and the weight of having so many good days in a row is unbearable.  It's a lot to maintain.  It's hard work every day in recovery, and that alone can be a lot to confront in the mirror every day. 

4) The voice in the back of your head.  It coincides with the pressure.  That little guy, whispering ever so softly in the back of your mind, "you're gonna fuck this up anyways, loser.  Might as well get it over with now."  He sucks.

5) A bad day.  We all have 'em.  Alcoholic or not.  And sometimes, you just make a mistake because you're emotional, or tired, or pissed off.   If I mess up, shame on me.  If an alcoholic slips up, it can set off a whirlwind of emotion and a continued downward spiral of relapse.

6) A familiar situation.  You're in a place you used to drink, with people you used to drink with, and everyone is happy and drinking.  It might just feel like second nature to drink, even if you need to be sober.  I heard this from my husband's therapist, an old AA saying, "If you go to the barbershop everyday, you're going to wind up with a haircut."

7) The escape.  This is like a bad day, but I think more significant.  I think when Jeff is feeling depressed, or anxious, or worried about something, he goes back to his usual coping method, per point #2 (hard task of setting a new pattern), and tries to run away.  Guess what, you can't outrun emotions, because they pretty much just stick with you, and they are 100x more intense when you sober up.  

I'm sure there are a million other reasons, but these ones seem to be the most familiar to me.  Regardless, I hope that Jeff reads this.  Not because this is anything he doesn't know, or to make him feel bad, or in hopes that he will want to recover because of something I have said.  The truth is, none of those things will make him recover, only he will help himself down the road.  I just want him to understand how I see it, because I imagine when you relapse, you have a really hard time seeing the forest through the trees.  For me, I'm trying to slowly but surely let go of the things I can't control because I am only going to continue to be a part of this high wire act if I let myself.  I can't control Jeff's drinking, but I can control how I react to it.  Right now, I am on a business trip, trying to go about my life, and waiting for the moment that Jeff will call me, sober, and ready to try to move forward once again.  Until that time comes, I am going to do what I need to do for myself to get through each day happy, healthy, and focused on my personal well-being.

Want to read Jeff's side of the story?  http://www.lifeimpaired.com/1/post/2014/02/the-trapeze-swinger.html


1 Comment
Reckall Ovit
2/10/2014 11:23:12 am

I hope Jeff reads your post too. Today marks my 200th day of alcohol sobriety and 10th day of cannabis sobriety. I was a drunkard/stoner for 26 years and it was the serendipitous combination of breaking my new wife's heart (3 yrs married) and an acquaintance noticing the amount of cans and bottles that I was taking to the recycling spot to get....more money for booze. It came down to him saying, "Isn't weed enough for you?" The planets must have been aligned and a bell of clarity struck somewhere over the horizon, but it shamed me. I drank to a black out state for a couple of months afterwards but that question echoed in my head on a daily basis. My wife would find my hidden empties, and I'd hear it. I would be reminded of the hurtful things I had said on a previous night. I just about resigned myself to the fact that my path was heading to death and my wife would be a widow. I felt that I was without hope. That question, innocuous as it is, rang loudly in my head 200 days ago upon waking up from a nightly bender.

For some reason, that morning, I knew that I was done for good. It was hard as hell getting through the cravings (cannabis was my harm reducer). I didn't 'do' AA. I'm a stoic. I did share with my wife, my struggles though, which held me to some degree of accountability. I did find an online resource of recovery on reddit.com subreddit r/stopdrinking. A group of anonymous alcoholics that have an idea of what I was/am going through. It's been a wonderful release valve. I did discover my spirituality through my own process though. It's the awareness of being present and watching the moment flow into the next, knowing that creative possibilities are always present here and now. It's quite the change from knowing exactly where I was going to end up, six months ago. I'm not proselytizing in the slightest, but for me, meditation is my anchor and so much so, that cannabis usage was messing with my ability to be in the moment (the moment being a thing of wonder to me).

I have my triggers too. Happiness, sadness, blah blah blah. The cravings are very infrequent these days and when they hit, I watch them closely and stare them down 'til they fade away. Hell, the other night, I was watching Anthony Bourdain doing his eating/drinking/smoking/travel show and I briefly entertained the idea that it would be ok when we travel, to have just a taste of the regional alcoholic beverages. That idea became as ludicrous as it sounds, as soon as I put the thought to paper in my journal. Vigilance. That's the cross of addiction that I have to bear. It's how I'm wired.

I did try to quit once before during my marriage. I told my wife not to offer me any booze 'cause I'm an all or nothing type of animal. She decided to test it out and I ended up on a horrific relapse that lasted almost two years. I suspect that Jeff is cut from the same cloth as I. His described behavior on New Years, sounds like my past behavior. I have no advice. I just feel for you. Take care of your heart as best as you can.

Sometimes lightening strikes and a miracle happens. See if r/stopdrinking might be a resource for him. It was my lifeline for the first couple of months. Good luck.

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