But I don’t want to. Things are about to get really hard. They say that living with someone in recovery can be harder than living with an alcoholic. Because when someone is an alcoholic, they have their patterns and you have yours…everyone knows what role to play. But a newly sober person is a different person than the shell they once were. Newly sober people start to have needs and express them, boundaries, and requirements. I’ve been asserting my will all over Jeff’s life for years. I don’t want to do that any longer, but it’s also a hard habit to break. As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t always know what’s best. I don’t get the right to take away someone else’s opportunity to grow.
In my head, I want Jeff to come home and I want to appreciate him every day. I want to have a fresh start. I want to begin again from this moment. I want to move past what has transpired, what we were, what resentments exist, and what plans were made. I just want to get to know the person he really is, and I want him to get to know me. I want to strip away all the corners we hide in and the explosions we hide behind. When I imagine our life moving forward, I want to imagine that there isn’t anything that could come in between us. This is a dangerous thought for the wife of an alcoholic. His recovery will always need to come above me and everything else, but it doesn’t need to come at the cost of me.
I want to enjoy each other’s company, and communicate openly and honestly. I don’t want there to be anger or frustration. I want to feel like we are a united front. Today, I am willing to do whatever it takes to support Jeff. I am willing to move heaven and earth to make these pieces fit. I’m not saying this in a way that I am going to force it. Just that everything else seems trivial in comparison, and I am willing to make the changes I need to and clean up my side of the street to know that I have done everything in my power to make this a happy, healthy, and supportive relationship. Nothing else matters even closely as much. I know that some things may be out of my power and my control...I know it won’t be easy. But today, I am going to let it be.
I am very hopeful. I feel like I could move mountains today. I feel unstoppable. I feel like I don’t ever want to take our love from granted again. I feel like there is nothing else I would rather be doing but recovering individually and together with this person. I want to grab his hand and never let go. This is my perfect world, today. I haven’t felt so hopeful in a very long time. I feel so much at peace. I am going to enjoy this, just for today.