But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard sometimes, and I still don’t go down the martyrdom, know-it all, victim, rabbit holes anymore. I especially like it when I am all three at once. But what it does mean is that I can recognize those flawed and unhealthy thoughts sooner, and replace them with positive and productive thoughts. I am proud to say today that the person I am growing into has continually evolved, changed, and developed. I'm thankful in a way most other people can't even envision.
A year ago today was the longest day of my life….and it was officially the longest day of the year. I woke up that day, sun streaming in my bedroom windows, my husband telling me that he was thinking of harming himself, and my life changed. I laugh at that, the double entendre. I did wake up that day. And, my life did change…but not in the way that I thought it had at the time. I thought my life was ruined. What really was happening was the universe had been watching me sleep walk through life for 31 years and got sick of it. My higher power said, “Enough is enough.” And of course, I'm just stubborn, so I needed a lot of lessons. I’m grateful every day for that wakeup call, and that I can show up for life today, instead of numbing myself to get through it. Jeff might have been the one dying a faster and more obvious death, but I wasn't really living either. My verdict was death by complacency. Today, I'm freer and happier than I ever thought I could be, and I see challenges as guideposts to help me become the person I was meant to be.
The things I have learned this year:
1) I am capable of much more than I think I am.
2) We spend a lot of time caring about what other people think of us, but we treat ourselves poorly.
3) I refuse to contribute to the stigmatization of mental illness.
4) I don’t want to spend time with negativity or negative people anymore.
5) That being said, I control my own choices, and that includes who I let in and who I kick out. People grow apart, and it isn’t malicious, it just is.
6) People can let you down, but the majority of people will surprise you.
7) Taking care of yourself is a full-time job, and how you feel directly correlates to how much time you put into it.
8) I am capable of being an optimist, even against what others may consider poor odds. I wasn’t capable of being an optimist when my life was frivolous.
9) I might not have control of the actions of others, but I have control of my reaction and what I let bother me.
10) Just because it’s painful, doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile. My greatest gains have come from my perceived greatest losses. There really are no bad or good things, just opportunities.
11) There is so much beauty in the unique journey that every person is on in this world. Lives are like snowflakes…when you look up close, there is logical and different order to each one that just fits. If you look close enough, you really start to see it and figure it out.
12) My intuition is really good. I should trust myself more.
13) Small stuff is really NOT worth sweating.
14) There is a plan. It might not make sense at first, but it’s there, whether you want to open your eyes to it or not. And also, I can’t outsmart the plan, or out will it. I can choose to walk or I can choose to be dragged, but somehow I’m getting where I need to be, one way or another.
"strange steps, trace us back."