What this has robbed me of is the moments; the minutes where my life is happening and the time that I will never get back. I’m spending all of my waking moments rebelling against a life I did not choose, but a life that has provided me exactly what I need, nonetheless. Why can’t I accept where I am and the beauty of this place? I will never be here again, and that is a very startling revelation when I think of the time that has been wasted, struggling against this lesson, at this exact breath, right now.
In reality, this time, this past fall and winter of discontent, though it has been one of the most challenging periods of my life, has brought me immense clarity and growth. As we traveled through Utah last week, I started to unpack the boulders that had fallen around my heart. 13 hours in a car, with my husband, and no need for music or talk radio to fill the gaps, I realized I already had the life that I dreamed of when I was just a child. I have a person I can just be with, I have a job that affords me opportunities to travel and to explore, and I have ability and drive to embrace and own this life. These are the times I was praying for as a kid, so how can I be upset when my dreams have come true?
The reality sits in my inability to be content with the now and the “what is.” No achievement is good enough or sustains me. I cannot be okay in the moment. I cannot be grateful for THIS moment. I reach a milestone, and it’s off to another. This is perhaps the gravest challenge I face when I look in the mirror each morning: Will it be enough today? Will I be enough today? I suddenly see that the achievement might be here, in me, in this second.
Being present, mindful, and grateful has been a constant theme for me. Much like most things, I needed to play around with the concept and to open my mind to receiving the lessons before I was finally able to let go. My whole life I have been striving for something more. I’m starting to realize it’s been here all along. Spring has finally arrived in my mind.
“…I cursed and I cried, but now I know…now I know.”