I think a lot of this goes without saying, because you know yourself better than anyone. You are painfully, exhaustibly, self-deprecatingly self-aware. You know your flaws, and you know your weaknesses (even if you don’t do anything to fix them) to a fault. You make it easy for yourself and others to disarm you, because you provide them with the ammunition they need. You cannot relinquish control. You have felt disappointments in your life that you felt were caused by others. As a result, you feel that you can avoid these disappointments if you just handle things yourself.
But some things are out of your control. You don’t spend time on the things you can control because you already have those covered, right? Instead, you spend every waking moment, trying to predict, plan, manage, and steer things that you ultimately will have no bearing on. How exhausting. Why not focus on improving the things you do have control of, the things you can improve, and the things you want to be?
The uncertain, the unknown, the future…these things are not all that bad. Things that have happened have happened. You cannot recreate or reinvent the past. The past hasn’t been all that great. Think outside of the box for once. You can’t keep doing the same things over and over that once were great. Life is not meant to be lived like that. Just think of how many songs you have ruined by listening to them on repeat until you could no longer bear to hear them. People are meant to grow and change, and you are not exempt.
Who do you want to be? For so long you have been the party; the one who is affirmed by others; the one who always has to be having a good time; the one who seeks validation from the outside, not within. You have been the one who is afraid that the good times will end when the party is over; who doesn't like to be alone with her thoughts; the person who needs to constantly feel the ups and downs of life. Now is your chance to be something different, something more stable. You can be a better friend, wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, employee, mentor, runner, organizer, volunteer, cook, crafter, baker, vegetarian…you can be whatever you want to be, and you don’t need anyone else to tell you otherwise. You don’t have to be the things you don’t want to be. And the things you can’t control or don’t need to control? It’s time you finally let them go.
I know things have been tough lately, and sometimes you find it hard to get about of bed because so much change at once is really overwhelming for you. I know, on the other hand, that this is when you have always felt most alive, and why you appreciate those high-highs, because of the low-lows. Life only has to be up and down if you let it, though. But just because life is changing, doesn’t mean it’s changing negatively. You rarely believe something can get any better than it was. I know you always assume the worst, but just remember: You know yourself better than anyone. And you’re a tough broad. You’re going to be just fine, so just let it go.
Want to read Jeff's side of the story? http://www.lifeimpaired.com/1/post/2014/01/an-open-letter-to-myself.html