The focal point of the recovery program I attended for 45 days was a program based on Dual Diagnosis.  In a nutshell, this is the theory that addiction a symptom of a greater illness.  The illness(es) would be coinciding with the addiction hiding behind the addictive behavior.  When I am drinking, the primary disease I need to fix is my alcoholism.  When I am sober, the primary illness(es) I need to treat are my depression and anxiety.  

Drinking is a symptom of my anxiety or Panic Disorder as I was diagnosed.  Never in my attempts to get sober have I ever thought of my mental illness(es) being the primary condition, but it makes a lot of sense.  I can get sober, but I still find myself feeling the urge to drink even when I absolutely do not want to.  The reason I have the urges to drink for me is because I am usually afraid and anxious.  I blow challenges out of proportion in my head and ruminate about what might happen.  Quickly, simple challenges become huge scary obstacles and I know that if I drink then I will lower my anxiety and I also will lose my crippling concern about outcome.  When I am drunk, I am capable of facing anything mainly because I do not care.  

Once I come down from my high, I am always left with the consequences and crippling anxiety, which in turn leads back to my severe depression.  Drinking for me is a vicious cycle, but when my anxiety spikes when I am sober, drinking serves a purpose.  If I could keep my anxiety in check and face my issues head on, I would not feel the urge to drink.  This is just one example of why I feel the urge to drink, but I believe it lays some concrete proof that there is more to me drinking than just wanting the buzz.  I drink because of deep rooted fears and anger.  

When I take care of myself, take my meds, meet with my doctors, and talk about my issues, I can resist my urges to use when they come up in my day-to-day life.  For me, knowing why I constantly destroy my life is crucial.  I got to a point where I no longer wanted to drink but I could not go about my day without some alcohol.  Now living a dual recovery lifestyle, I can get ahead of my alcoholism by treating the mental side of my recovery as well.  For me, if I do not feel anxiety, then I do not want to drink.  I know it is impossible for me to never again feel that way, but keeping it in control greatly aids me in my goal of never drinking again.  I am by no means recovered, but today I feel like I have a better chance than ever at making it one more day in my recovery by treating both sides of my dual diagnosis. 

It had been about two weeks since I had disappeared, mid-way through a shift at work.  I had a few panic attacks that day, which culminated in a second week-long stint in a psych ward that began the day before my 31st birthday.  But that is another story, for another time.  

Upon getting released from that hospitalization, I wanted to take some time off and figure things out.  But because of the costs incurred from my hospital stay, and the fact that I felt like I should be contributing to my family, I scheduled myself to go back to work ASAP.  As I waited for my doctors to sign off on my mental ability to go back to work, for my HR department to approve my request for return, and for the details of my return to be ironed out, my anxiety continued to grow as the return date approached.  The thought of walking in the front doors and facing my co-workers, friends, and peers was more than  I could handle.  Though at this point I still hadn't really come to understand my alcoholism, I had worked for 8 years in sales and management at a major liquor and spirits store.   I think I probably knew, even at this point, that returning to work in the beverage industry was probably going to significantly deter my recovery, but I was desperate to get my normal life back.  So, I assured everyone I was ready, put a smile on my face, and quietly disappeared into my own anxiety and misery while counting down the days until my return.  The day before returning to work, the anxiety had reached it's peak level.  I decided that drinking would be the only thing that could get me through the anxiety, so I went on a bender.  

I cannot remember how much I drank or even exactly what I drank during the day, but it was enough for me to pass out and spend my entire day in a drunken slumber on the couch.  My drinking was not to have fun anymore, it was to escape.  I was scared to go back to work.  I was scared to talk on the phone, interact with other people, or even go outside.  I drank so I would pass out and dream.  In my dreams, I was free from the burden which was/is my life.  Unfortunately, there were times when I would wake up.  The Breaking Bad marathon I had planned for the day was five episodes ahead of my last memory.  After taking the dogs out, I was faced with the stark realization that my last day was ending before going back to work.  I could no longer hide in my condo, with the lights off alone.   I couldn't stop shaking and I felt as if my heart was pounding out of my chest.  Melissa was going to be home soon and my world was going to end, because I knew I would have to tell her I couldn't go back to work.

Melissa had bought a bottle of white wine with a dachshund on it.   She hadn't intended to drink it, rather display it in an endearing manner on our bar as only an owner and lover of a dachshund would.  I didn't care that it wasn't meant to be consumed, or that it would upset her that I drank it, or really about anything other to calm down.  But even after drinking that decorative bottle, my anxiety was still there.  

Melissa got home, and she busted me, again.  She was very calm and was proud of me for being truthful about drinking.   She even called my friends to push back our fantasy football draft that was scheduled for the evening.  I couldn't have felt any lower.  Earlier I had drank some alcohol my nephew (who lives with us) had left in the fridge, and I was very concerned that he would be upset with me for drinking it.  Melissa saw my anxiety, and agreed to go to the store to replace it for me so I would not feel so bad.  But her understanding made me feel worse.  I think I just wanted her to leave, so I could go back to feeling bad, on my own.

I don't think I intended to kill myself.  I think I was just...done.  I was too tired to fight.  As soon as she was gone, I went into the bathroom and took a handful or so of the pills that my psychiatrist gave me to help with moments of extreme panic.  I then made my way over to our bar and drank as much gin as I could.  I flopped back down on the couch and that was it.  I have glimpses of what happened next, but nothing concrete enough to be a lucid memory.  I woke up in the ER.  I had an IV in and no clothes on besides a hospital gown.  My wife wasn't there.  I cried...an I had no idea what time it was.  Around six am I came back around, and she was there.  This would be the second time in three weeks I would end up hospitalized.  I wanted to die, and I had to face that I had tired to harm myself the night before.  I wanted to escape to the dream world that existed when I was passed out.  I was tired of feeling like a failure, living in fear.   I had been isolating for a week and I was over it.  Life held nothing more to me in the way I felt at that time.  Going to the hospital again is still, despite other things that have occurred since, still my bottom to this point. 

Want to read Melissa's side of the story?  http://www.lifeimpaired.com/2/post/2014/02/things-that-stop-you-dreaming.html

A day ago, I had a relapse.  All in all, it was not really that bad when you take a step back and
look at it.  But, when you look at what happened from my position of recovery alcoholism, my actions, thoughts, and feelings show you just how sick I really am.  I consciously decided not to use any of my tools or resources because I felt like the worst person in the world and also thought that I was justified to behave how I did.   

But let’s backtrack for a moment.  I worked at a large liquor and beverage company for eight years and was relatively successful there.  Unfortunately, when my alcoholism finally reached critical mass, it became clear to me that I would most likely need to quit my job.  Being around alcohol all day, in that capacity, was not even a remote possibility for me if I wanted to be in recovery.  So, after some serious soul searching and lessons learned the hard way, I recently got a new job as a dog walker to make some money to contribute to my family as I try to figure out recovery.   On the day of this relapse, I woke up, went to work, and worked all day long.  During the middle of my day, I hit an A.A. meeting.  After I
finished walking my last dog I decided to pick up some alcohol.  I drank and got drunk.  I came home called Melissa and eventually admitted to being drunk.  I passed out and woke up to her telling me it was ok and that she loved me.

Those are the facts, but let’s take a deeper look.  I woke up feeling like crap.  It’s about zero degrees outside here, and I was going to spend my entire day walking other people’s dogs for very little money.  This was my first day, on my own route, so I was both excited to have some freedom, yet terrified that I would screw up big time.  What if I lose a dog, lock myself out, or set off someone’s alarm and fail to disarm it before the police are alerted?  Going into this day, I assumed there was a legitimate chance I would fail and get fired.  

My day started off fairly well.  I picked up the clients keys and began trekking around my route.  Because the roads had not been properly cleared yet from the recent snow and ice, I could not ride my bike and had to do my route completely on foot.  This meant that I would be really pressed for time with no breaks, since I had to use my lunch time to go to an AA meeting.  I wouldn’t be done until sometime around 4pm.  

I spent 45 minutes walking to the first client, including walking the dog.  After that, another 20 minute walk to the second dog.  By this time, I am already freezing.  My mood has gone from excited with anxiety to pissed off at life as dog walker and anxiety.

I got to the second house and walked the dog.  10 minutes into the walk, I received a text from my wife
letting me know that our couple’s therapy is confirmed, despite the projected -35 windchill projected for the day.  I had forgotten about couple’s therapy.  Because of all the therapy I have been through, one would assume that I am used to talking about everything bad that has happened to me in the past few years, but in reality, I am not used to it at all. To top it off, we were beginning therapy with a new therapist, and I felt stricken with a feeling of dread at the prospect of meeting with and talking to yet another stranger about my faults.  In reality, therapy is not always talking about my faults, but I view couple’s therapy as particularly rough, as this is usually what I perceive our sessions to be about.   Typically we
deal with me being an alcoholic for a good portion, and talking about these things in front of my wife makes me feel like less of a man and a bad husband.  Now, I was a pissed off at life dog walker with anxiety and dread.

Being the good alcoholic I am, I lied to my wife and said, “No problem.”  It is now 10:15am.  I have roughly 6 hours of walking dogs by myself to ruminate on how all I have to look forward to this evening is feeling like shit at therapy.  In all likelihood, Melissa, and possibly myself, will end up crying during this session.

I finished walking the second dog, but nothing changed between my next few walks.  I attended an A.A. meeting at a regular place I go to during the days in between dogs.  I know the crowd and the formats, and since I am in the area, going to this meeting should have been a great way to get to feeling better.   However, AA is a program that only works if you work it as well.  I came into the room just before the meeting started, ice cold, and not giving a damn about what anyone else had to say  I cannot
honestly remember what anyone said at that meeting.  I know the topic and the person who gave
the lead, but I completely wasted an hour, zoned out.  Quickly it was time to get back into the cold.

The next dog I walk was a real treat.  The dog is awesome, but the owners are probably not going to be my favorite.  Though, honestly, they are not asking me to do anything outside the bounds of what I would want someone else to do for my dog.  Their dog is an excitement peer.  No big deal, you take a paper
towel, some cleaner, and wipe it up.  Instead, I was greeted with a four paragraph note about how to clean up dog piss.  I have since re­read the letter and have determined that the verbiage was not nearly as bad as I thought it was at that moment.  Melissa probably would have written that note to our walked, but now, in my head, I am also being judged as incompetent.  The train has now finally de­railed.  I walked the dog and then I did something very critical to relapse, I started shutting down.  I did not turn back on the podcasts I had downloaded to keep me company on my walking route.  I made an unconscious decision to completely give in and let the thoughts in my head take over.
 
In my head, I am now a bad husband, who is lying to his wife about therapy, who has a shitty job,
who is viewed as incompetent, who is having racing thoughts of self-pity, and wallowing in what a
complete and utter failure he is, in freezing cold in sub-zero weather.  By the time I had finished walking the last dog, I knew exactly where I was going to buy booze, how much I was going to get, and how it would not only make therapy better, it would also warm me up and make me, overall, feel better.  I drank two 24oz cans of 12.2% malt liquor in about five minutes.  I drank it so fast I thought I was going to throw up.  

Did I mention I also did not eat?  I went from sober and angry, to drunk and angry in about ten minutes.  I made it home, but also knew I was completely fucked and there would be no way to get out of the situation I had put myself in.  This would only get worse, so I began trying to save face with Melissa.  The text to her read, “I feel like shit, we need to cancel this therapy.”  To back this up, I start up a little internet conversation on chat as well to make it look like I’m feeling normal.  Essentially, I try to weasel out, but Melissa calls me out over the phone because I am drunk and she is not.  I pass out.

 None of this needed to happen.  I know this.  This entire day could have been avoided if I had
been honest with a host of people in my support network at any point.  Sure, dog walking does not pay
a lot, but it sure beats working in a liquor store as an alcoholic.  It was cold, but I accepted a job as a dog walker in Chicago in January.  I did not want to go to couples therapy because couples therapy is not fun.  But the reason my wife wants to go with me to couples therapy is because she cares about me and wants our relationship to be better and to work on building back some trust.  

I should have called someone and talked about how I was feeling but I didn't.  The more time I spent in my head, the worse and worse the situation became, until I made the only decision I had backed myself into: believing that drinking was the only way to escape the thoughts and feelings that were suffocating me. 

It is very easy to Monday Morning quarterback my decisions, and I have learned this from the many
mistakes and relapses I have had over the past months.  In the moment when I feel like a prisoner inside my own head, it is not nearly as simple.  I let feelings take over and isolate.  Alcoholism, depression, and anxiety are present at most points in my life.  My disease is always waiting in the back of my head to prey on me when I am weak.  My disease cannot hurt me when I am feeling confident and am involved with my recovery.  There is no more fun left in drinking for me, but yet I still am not well enough to always see that it is not an option.  I drink to stop myself from thinking and feeling.  I drink so that I can pass out and
dream.  In my dreams, I am always free of the reality that was the depressed and anxiety ridden
spot I was in before I decided to use. 

I want to say to myself, if you are suffering, please reach out and listen to someone you trust.  Your story does not need to end with using.  I have had my fair share of misery, pain, shame and guilt that come from my drinking.  Though life absolutely sucks sometimes when I am sober, I need to remind myself that going through all those negative sober feelings is infinitely better than having to pick of the pieces to deal with the hangover of relapse the next day.

Want to read Melissa's side of the story? http://www.lifeimpaired.com/2/post/2014/01/the-trapeze-swinger.html

This blog is written for a person who is new to A.A.  Nothing in this text will talk about what I have heard in the rooms.  Instead this post is to help out a person who is new, scared, or has any questions or concerns about A.A.

Dear New A.A. Member,

Welcome!  If you think you have a problems with drugs or alcohol then you are in the right place.  Let me preface this by saying I have not been involved in the program for a very long time.  I did not work a very complete program until recently.  One of the main reasons I feel that I have not had as much success in the program is because I came in alone.  I did not know anyone and like most new people to this program I had anxiety, fear, denial, and did not want to be there.  In the six months I have been coming into the rooms, my life has on the whole been completely more manageable and I have been significantly more sober.  Since I have begun to work a better program in A.A., my day to day life has been more in control, less anxiety ridden, happier, and most importantly, I have stayed sober much more often than not.  Since being in the rooms, I wish there had been some resource for me to look at to know what to expect or something to guide me.  I hope what follows helps.  Please feel free to contact me at my e-mail address on the website for any questions about A.A. or about any questions you have about recovery. 

The first time I freely walked into an A.A. room was easily one of the most anxiety ridden and fearful moments of my life.  I knew I had a problem with alcohol and nothing I had done on my own had helped.  Doctors, therapists, friends and family kept suggesting A.A. as an option.  For me I knew that once I went into A.A. the "party" was over.  One of the MANY slogans you will hear in A.A. is the "A.A. will ruin drinking/drugging for you".  It will ruin drinking/drugging, but as I have heard many times in the room, the party was already well over before anyone stepped foot into a meeting.  

First of all the A.A. meeting you are going to, if it is at an Alano club, will look discreet.  There will be no signs or posted documents telling you that you are in fact at an A.A./12 step recovery center/house.  This is for your own benefit.  One of the cornerstone principles of A.A. is that you are anonymous.  You want that, believe me.  Just go in and sit down.  Sometimes I felt scared and out of place walking into an unfamiliar place, but don't let that change your intent - everyone is welcome if they have a desire to stop drinking.

At first, my main issue with A.A. was  that instead of looking for positives or similarities with people inside, I immediately identified the differences.  It was a ploy to tell myself "I'm not one of them."  Try to overlook these initial feelings or thoughts if you do in fact have them.  A.A. is here for one reason only, and that is to make your life better.  That is the only goal of A.A.  Make your life better.  It is a very simple idea that unfortunately gets twisted at times.  It is my opinion that many of the negative criticisms of A.A. are because people got hung up on details instead of focusing on the main point which was to make their/your life better.  In my city, Chicago, there are over 4,000 meetings of A.A. each week.  Each meeting is different.  Some meetings have different formats, focuses, rules, customs.... if you do not like the meeting you are at, try another one.  In fact if you feel up to it, after the meeting talk to the person leading or speaking at the meeting and ask them about a different meeting.  It is a good idea to tell someone what you did not like.  That way you can find a meeting/group of people you feel comfortable with and relate to.

As there are 4,000 meetings in my city each week, there are a bunch of different people and groups that go to each of these 4,000 plus meetings.  It took me months as well as many relapses in my recovery before I found a comfortable group of meetings to attend.  You will hear people say "keep coming back" all the time.  It is my thoughts that I will "keep coming back" to A.A. because it helps make my life better, but I will chose the meetings that I want.  Find a crowd and message that you feel comfortable with.  For a new person I would suggest evening speaker meetings and 12&12 meetings.  A speaker meeting is typically very straight forward.  Someone gets up and gives a 20 minute lead about their story of use and recovery.  A 12&12 meeting is also usually a speaker meeting that covers one of the 12 steps of A.A.  Each week a new step is spoken on.  After the speaker the floor is open to comments.  If you do not wish to speak, don't.  There is absolutely no requirements in A.A. except to be polite.  It helps give you options to better your life. 

If you raise your hand to speak or it comes around to your turn and it is your first meeting in life then you are at a crossroads, my friend.  If you do say,  "This is my first meeting," people may try to talk to you and try to help you.  Be prepared.  No one who is working a good program is going to try to do anything besides help you.  You may get a sheet with phone numbers or other information -  this is a good thing.  Ask questions.  If you do not want to be talked to or have people come up to you afterwards, just say your name and either pass, or say, "I am just here to listen."  There is not right or wrong time to ever talk or acknowledge anything about yourself at an A.A. meeting.  In my opinion, working the program with a support network is much easier.  It took months and a lot of resistance on my part, but I have friends most every place I now go.  It may seem weird as a new person, but now A.A. is very "normal" to me.  A.A. is like the bar I used to hang out at, but instead of drinking alcohol, people drink coffee.  And instead of talking about bullshit, people talk about their own shit in dealing with recovery.  Once you hang out at a bar enough you become a regular, it just takes a little bit of time.  The same is for A.A.

The God thing.  A.A. was founded in a different time.  It was of the opinion that the hopeless alcoholic would not be able to recover unless they had a complete change.  It is also true that most people cannot on their own get sober by themselves.  I sure as hell couldn't.  Therefore a "higher power" is needed to get the alcoholic recovered.  If your higher power is any God of organized religion, awesome.  If your higher power is the group, or A.A., fantastic!  If your higher power is gravity, electricity, the universe, or a doorknob, excellent!  The fact is that most likely you are not going to be able to get sober and have a happy life without some form of support in sobriety.  If the God or religion is a sore spot, ignore it.  The entire purpose of A.A. is not to convert you into a religion but to make your life better.  If you are going to meetings that are too God oriented, then find another.  Just because a meeting is at a church does not mean that the format of the meeting is going to be rooted in religion.  A.A. is a self supporting group.  Churches have space that they give for free to groups like A.A.  Thus many A.A. meeting are held in the rec rooms, dining areas, or basements of churches.  This program is not about a God, though, it is about you and your life.

There are many slogans and sayings in A.A.  Some make sense, some are outdated, and some are said by the people who keep coming back as a kind of inside joke.  There is humor in this program.  If there was no humor it would be very difficult for me to keep coming back.  Quicker than you realize you will pick up the lingo.

There will also be people with insane amounts of sobriety in the rooms.  For some reason this intimidates people, including myself still!  They are people.  They suffer from the same disease/allergy/sickness or whatever you want to call it.  Yes, they have sober time, and that is incredible.  However they are no better than you.  You are there to make your life better, do not focus on the old timers, many of whom are actually very nice.  To put it from their perspective they have seen many new faces of the years come into the rooms.  They have heard all the complaints.  They have also seen many people leave the rooms and never come back.  Addiction will kill you.  If you stick around long enough, you will see some people never come back and you will hear they are back out using or have died. 

A.A. is a group of people trying to help themselves and each other get better and live better lives.  It is a very simple program dealing with a brutal disease.  If you need help with alcohol or drugs, then please keep coming back.  This disease will kill you.  Even though I have yet to maintain anything close to rigorous honesty or spiritual perfection, I live a happier and all around better life because I have stuck around.  If you have been where I have, please read some other blogs, then you can relate.  I am not perfect, but I feel better.  Life takes it dips and dives but over the past few months I have gotten serious about my program in A.A. I have far more good days than bad.  Please e-mail me if you have questions or if you are in Chicago and would like some ideas on meetings to go to.

Keep coming back!

Want to hear Melissa's side of the story?  http://www.lifeimpaired.com/2/post/2014/02/keep-coming-back.html