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life impaired

Keep Coming Back

2/3/2014

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This blog is written for a person who is new to A.A.  Nothing in this text will talk about what I have heard in the rooms.  Instead this post is to help out a person who is new, scared, or has any questions or concerns about A.A.

Dear New A.A. Member,

Welcome!  If you think you have a problems with drugs or alcohol then you are in the right place.  Let me preface this by saying I have not been involved in the program for a very long time.  I did not work a very complete program until recently.  One of the main reasons I feel that I have not had as much success in the program is because I came in alone.  I did not know anyone and like most new people to this program I had anxiety, fear, denial, and did not want to be there.  In the six months I have been coming into the rooms, my life has on the whole been completely more manageable and I have been significantly more sober.  Since I have begun to work a better program in A.A., my day to day life has been more in control, less anxiety ridden, happier, and most importantly, I have stayed sober much more often than not.  Since being in the rooms, I wish there had been some resource for me to look at to know what to expect or something to guide me.  I hope what follows helps.  Please feel free to contact me at my e-mail address on the website for any questions about A.A. or about any questions you have about recovery. 

The first time I freely walked into an A.A. room was easily one of the most anxiety ridden and fearful moments of my life.  I knew I had a problem with alcohol and nothing I had done on my own had helped.  Doctors, therapists, friends and family kept suggesting A.A. as an option.  For me I knew that once I went into A.A. the "party" was over.  One of the MANY slogans you will hear in A.A. is the "A.A. will ruin drinking/drugging for you".  It will ruin drinking/drugging, but as I have heard many times in the room, the party was already well over before anyone stepped foot into a meeting.  

First of all the A.A. meeting you are going to, if it is at an Alano club, will look discreet.  There will be no signs or posted documents telling you that you are in fact at an A.A./12 step recovery center/house.  This is for your own benefit.  One of the cornerstone principles of A.A. is that you are anonymous.  You want that, believe me.  Just go in and sit down.  Sometimes I felt scared and out of place walking into an unfamiliar place, but don't let that change your intent - everyone is welcome if they have a desire to stop drinking.

At first, my main issue with A.A. was  that instead of looking for positives or similarities with people inside, I immediately identified the differences.  It was a ploy to tell myself "I'm not one of them."  Try to overlook these initial feelings or thoughts if you do in fact have them.  A.A. is here for one reason only, and that is to make your life better.  That is the only goal of A.A.  Make your life better.  It is a very simple idea that unfortunately gets twisted at times.  It is my opinion that many of the negative criticisms of A.A. are because people got hung up on details instead of focusing on the main point which was to make their/your life better.  In my city, Chicago, there are over 4,000 meetings of A.A. each week.  Each meeting is different.  Some meetings have different formats, focuses, rules, customs.... if you do not like the meeting you are at, try another one.  In fact if you feel up to it, after the meeting talk to the person leading or speaking at the meeting and ask them about a different meeting.  It is a good idea to tell someone what you did not like.  That way you can find a meeting/group of people you feel comfortable with and relate to.

As there are 4,000 meetings in my city each week, there are a bunch of different people and groups that go to each of these 4,000 plus meetings.  It took me months as well as many relapses in my recovery before I found a comfortable group of meetings to attend.  You will hear people say "keep coming back" all the time.  It is my thoughts that I will "keep coming back" to A.A. because it helps make my life better, but I will chose the meetings that I want.  Find a crowd and message that you feel comfortable with.  For a new person I would suggest evening speaker meetings and 12&12 meetings.  A speaker meeting is typically very straight forward.  Someone gets up and gives a 20 minute lead about their story of use and recovery.  A 12&12 meeting is also usually a speaker meeting that covers one of the 12 steps of A.A.  Each week a new step is spoken on.  After the speaker the floor is open to comments.  If you do not wish to speak, don't.  There is absolutely no requirements in A.A. except to be polite.  It helps give you options to better your life. 

If you raise your hand to speak or it comes around to your turn and it is your first meeting in life then you are at a crossroads, my friend.  If you do say,  "This is my first meeting," people may try to talk to you and try to help you.  Be prepared.  No one who is working a good program is going to try to do anything besides help you.  You may get a sheet with phone numbers or other information -  this is a good thing.  Ask questions.  If you do not want to be talked to or have people come up to you afterwards, just say your name and either pass, or say, "I am just here to listen."  There is not right or wrong time to ever talk or acknowledge anything about yourself at an A.A. meeting.  In my opinion, working the program with a support network is much easier.  It took months and a lot of resistance on my part, but I have friends most every place I now go.  It may seem weird as a new person, but now A.A. is very "normal" to me.  A.A. is like the bar I used to hang out at, but instead of drinking alcohol, people drink coffee.  And instead of talking about bullshit, people talk about their own shit in dealing with recovery.  Once you hang out at a bar enough you become a regular, it just takes a little bit of time.  The same is for A.A.

The God thing.  A.A. was founded in a different time.  It was of the opinion that the hopeless alcoholic would not be able to recover unless they had a complete change.  It is also true that most people cannot on their own get sober by themselves.  I sure as hell couldn't.  Therefore a "higher power" is needed to get the alcoholic recovered.  If your higher power is any God of organized religion, awesome.  If your higher power is the group, or A.A., fantastic!  If your higher power is gravity, electricity, the universe, or a doorknob, excellent!  The fact is that most likely you are not going to be able to get sober and have a happy life without some form of support in sobriety.  If the God or religion is a sore spot, ignore it.  The entire purpose of A.A. is not to convert you into a religion but to make your life better.  If you are going to meetings that are too God oriented, then find another.  Just because a meeting is at a church does not mean that the format of the meeting is going to be rooted in religion.  A.A. is a self supporting group.  Churches have space that they give for free to groups like A.A.  Thus many A.A. meeting are held in the rec rooms, dining areas, or basements of churches.  This program is not about a God, though, it is about you and your life.

There are many slogans and sayings in A.A.  Some make sense, some are outdated, and some are said by the people who keep coming back as a kind of inside joke.  There is humor in this program.  If there was no humor it would be very difficult for me to keep coming back.  Quicker than you realize you will pick up the lingo.

There will also be people with insane amounts of sobriety in the rooms.  For some reason this intimidates people, including myself still!  They are people.  They suffer from the same disease/allergy/sickness or whatever you want to call it.  Yes, they have sober time, and that is incredible.  However they are no better than you.  You are there to make your life better, do not focus on the old timers, many of whom are actually very nice.  To put it from their perspective they have seen many new faces of the years come into the rooms.  They have heard all the complaints.  They have also seen many people leave the rooms and never come back.  Addiction will kill you.  If you stick around long enough, you will see some people never come back and you will hear they are back out using or have died. 

A.A. is a group of people trying to help themselves and each other get better and live better lives.  It is a very simple program dealing with a brutal disease.  If you need help with alcohol or drugs, then please keep coming back.  This disease will kill you.  Even though I have yet to maintain anything close to rigorous honesty or spiritual perfection, I live a happier and all around better life because I have stuck around.  If you have been where I have, please read some other blogs, then you can relate.  I am not perfect, but I feel better.  Life takes it dips and dives but over the past few months I have gotten serious about my program in A.A. I have far more good days than bad.  Please e-mail me if you have questions or if you are in Chicago and would like some ideas on meetings to go to.

Keep coming back!

Want to hear Melissa's side of the story?  http://www.lifeimpaired.com/2/post/2014/02/keep-coming-back.html

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An Open Letter to Myself

1/22/2014

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Jeff,

Know that this is not an easy letter to write you.   I hope that you will be able to see how much I care about you and understand that I am on your team.   I only want what best for you and for you to be happy.  It has been tough the past couple years watching you treat yourself and others the way you do.  I know most days are tough for you.  Sometimes, just getting up and facing the day seems like a challenge.  Life is not all that bad.  You have been very fortunate and have a very good life.  You have a wife that has stood beside you, a family that cares and somehow manages to escape from every tight spot you put yourself in without consequence.  Why do you lie all the time?  Why can't you just be honest?  I know you still hold onto this idea that letting people into every weird thing you do will make you look weak and crazy, but come on man, we have seen you at your worst and are still here.  Please, just be honest.  It cannot be that scary.  Millions of people live their lives free of the senseless burdens you keep on yourself.  It makes you look bad to your family.  You know there is no trust left there, so just do it.  You are a really bad liar, you know that right? 

 Jeff, you also have to know that you are in the end only hurting yourself .  Pushing people you care and depend on each day further and further away is only going to end up hurting you in the end.  Where would you live?  How are you going to support yourself or stay sober if it is just you, left to your own devices?  Just please try.  I know deep down you are a good person who cares deeply about yourself and those close to you.  I have seen it so much in the past and it kills me to think about all the pain and suffering you have caused yourself and others.  

I know you feel like a complete failure ever since you had to leave your old job.  But that was a toxic place for your recovery.  There was no way you could have stayed sober and felt like a normal employee after everything that had happened there.  You need to let that go.  Looking back you know you were not supported, and frankly, you really did not make as much money as you should have.  I know you still felt like an underachiever in life with your job there.  Feeling like you are not good enough and have not achieved enough is just part of your illness.  

I know you hate that you are sick too.  You have known for a long time that something was not balanced inside of you. So what, it just had a label put on it, and yeah, it sucks that it got worse when your alcoholism became a major factor in your life.  It is part of you and it is never going away.  Just because you are different does not mean that people who care about you or see you any differently than they ever have.  Doing what you do each day in your recovery makes you stronger than many people I know.  It is not an easy life you have.  You need to comes to terms with understanding that some days you are going to be anxious and depressed, and that most days you are going to want to use/take the easy route to eliminate these feelings.  

Please try to stop lashing out at those who care about you when they upset you.  No one enjoys walking on eggshells around you all the time.  Your insecurity with your illness has left you overly sensitive to just about every situation regarding yourself.  People are worried and people don't trust you anymore.  Believe me you have earned both their concern and you have done more than enough to also violate and destroy most of their trust. 

I don't want this to all sound negative, though.  You have done a lot of work and I am proud of you.  You have made many mistakes in the past six months, but not nearly as many as you had made in the months previous to that.  Your life is hard, and I know that, but you need to remember that you cannot do this by yourself.  You need to talk to people and you need to be honest.  You cannot jump down everyone's throat when they doubt you or don't believe you.  Trust is earned.  Life does not go back to normal after one day, one week, one month or probably even one year.  I hope you can remember some of this the next time your are not completely feeling like yourself.  You are a good guy Jeff, you just need to keep working at it.  

Sincerely

-Lucid Jeff

Want to Read Melissa's side of the story?   http://www.lifeimpaired.com/2/post/2014/01/an-open-letter-to-myself.html
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    Authors

    Melissa and Jeff  met at a bar on January 7th, 2008 and married on October 2, 2010.  This is their story of highs, lows, and a life least expected.

    This blog focuses on helping an alcoholic with depression, living with an alcoholic, being married to an alcoholic, living with alcoholism, coping, setting boundaries, recovery, attempted suicide, suicide prevention, mental illness, and relapse.

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