Know that this is not an easy letter to write you. I hope that you will be able to see how much I care about you and understand that I am on your team. I only want what best for you and for you to be happy. It has been tough the past couple years watching you treat yourself and others the way you do. I know most days are tough for you. Sometimes, just getting up and facing the day seems like a challenge. Life is not all that bad. You have been very fortunate and have a very good life. You have a wife that has stood beside you, a family that cares and somehow manages to escape from every tight spot you put yourself in without consequence. Why do you lie all the time? Why can't you just be honest? I know you still hold onto this idea that letting people into every weird thing you do will make you look weak and crazy, but come on man, we have seen you at your worst and are still here. Please, just be honest. It cannot be that scary. Millions of people live their lives free of the senseless burdens you keep on yourself. It makes you look bad to your family. You know there is no trust left there, so just do it. You are a really bad liar, you know that right?
Jeff, you also have to know that you are in the end only hurting yourself . Pushing people you care and depend on each day further and further away is only going to end up hurting you in the end. Where would you live? How are you going to support yourself or stay sober if it is just you, left to your own devices? Just please try. I know deep down you are a good person who cares deeply about yourself and those close to you. I have seen it so much in the past and it kills me to think about all the pain and suffering you have caused yourself and others.
I know you feel like a complete failure ever since you had to leave your old job. But that was a toxic place for your recovery. There was no way you could have stayed sober and felt like a normal employee after everything that had happened there. You need to let that go. Looking back you know you were not supported, and frankly, you really did not make as much money as you should have. I know you still felt like an underachiever in life with your job there. Feeling like you are not good enough and have not achieved enough is just part of your illness.
I know you hate that you are sick too. You have known for a long time that something was not balanced inside of you. So what, it just had a label put on it, and yeah, it sucks that it got worse when your alcoholism became a major factor in your life. It is part of you and it is never going away. Just because you are different does not mean that people who care about you or see you any differently than they ever have. Doing what you do each day in your recovery makes you stronger than many people I know. It is not an easy life you have. You need to comes to terms with understanding that some days you are going to be anxious and depressed, and that most days you are going to want to use/take the easy route to eliminate these feelings.
Please try to stop lashing out at those who care about you when they upset you. No one enjoys walking on eggshells around you all the time. Your insecurity with your illness has left you overly sensitive to just about every situation regarding yourself. People are worried and people don't trust you anymore. Believe me you have earned both their concern and you have done more than enough to also violate and destroy most of their trust.
I don't want this to all sound negative, though. You have done a lot of work and I am proud of you. You have made many mistakes in the past six months, but not nearly as many as you had made in the months previous to that. Your life is hard, and I know that, but you need to remember that you cannot do this by yourself. You need to talk to people and you need to be honest. You cannot jump down everyone's throat when they doubt you or don't believe you. Trust is earned. Life does not go back to normal after one day, one week, one month or probably even one year. I hope you can remember some of this the next time your are not completely feeling like yourself. You are a good guy Jeff, you just need to keep working at it.
Want to Read Melissa's side of the story? http://www.lifeimpaired.com/2/post/2014/01/an-open-letter-to-myself.html